LOSS

All of us at some point in life will experience a major life event or a major loss - the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of health through aging, illness or accident - we grieve all number of losses. Most of the losses that occur as we move through the life-cycle can at some point cause us to pause and re-assess.etc. You may feel as if you are caught up in a tidal wave, where you’ve lost your ground, been swept up, and landed in a place you don’t recognize from this loss. Many people describe grief as all-consuming or like being underwater. More often than not, grief is temporarily all-consuming, halting our normal thought processes and making it difficult to function as we normally would.

NATURAL GRIEF OR BAD GRIEF - SYMPTOMS

There is no typical response to grief.  People do not pass through grief in neat stages, they take as little or as long as they need, have bad days and better days, moments of dark despair and moments of hope. Grief – its depth, its duration, its path – is totally natural when allowed to pursue its own course. It hurts as much as it hurts, lasts as long as it lasts and can take you down roads you never knew even existed. The process is entirely individual, depending on a countless number of factors including age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss and present circumstances.

NATURAL GRIEF

If grief is to be seen as a journey, then it is rarely linear. It is a journey which can follow any direction - up, down, forward, backwards - or even round and round in circles. There is no correct order of events, but it is generally accepted that some or all of the emotions below may be experienced:

• Disbelief or Shock – One of the first emotions you may experience after the loss of a loved one is disbelief. You may feel numb or have trouble believing that the event happened at all. You might expect the person to show up or believe that you see them on a crowded street somewhere. Denial and shock are normal during the initial period after a loss. Denial is the brain’s way of making sure that you don’t get too overwhelmed with emotions at once. It helps you get ready for the difficult road ahead and prepare to process the grief.

• Sadness – After the shock wears off, deep sadness will likely take its place. You might feel empty or lost. You might find yourself crying for no reason at all. The sadness can make it hard to perform normal daily tasks. Even though these feeling are unpleasant, they are natural and should subside with time.

• Anger – Losing someone or something important can feel unfair. It can make you feel resentful or angry. You may feel the need to blame someone for this injustice – the doctor, God, or even the person who died for abandoning you — especially if the death was from suicide. The death of a loved one can shake your religious beliefs. You might feel angry with God for a period of time. Placing blame is a way to try to alleviate sorrow, but eventually, you will work through the anger and find it easier to let go and move foward.

• Guilt – It’s normal to feel guilty after a loss. You may regret things that you said or didn’t say to the person. You might feel frustrated that you won’t have the chance to do things differently.

• Fear – A loss can trigger feelings of fear or anxiety. You might think you will be unable to cope alone, you might have financial worries. Having faced a death of a loved one can remind you of your own mortality. You may fear for your own safety or the safety of your remaining friends and family and your imagination can run rife with frightening scenarious.

• Physical Symptoms – Due to the intense levels of stress associated with grief, loss can seriously affect your physical health. Common physical symptoms include stomach aches, nausea, pain, and fatigue. Weight loss is also common with grief.

BAD GRIEF

Whatever happens, this personal “journey” can for a while be very confusing…but gradually the journey becomes more gentle and manageable and you can start to get back on the path towards normality. Bad grief, however, is when this path never appears. When you feel completely stuck and when you close down a part of you, not knowing how to move in any direction and losing the will and the energy to try.

• Unshakable denial. As discussed above, disbelief is a normal emotion that most people experience after a loss — for a certain period of time. Although it takes time, the eventual replacement for denial is acceptance. But some people’s grief prevents them from coming to terms with reality. You simply cannot believe that the loss is real - things might change, a loved one might return. You avoid talking about your loss, for fear of making it real and instead you retreat into your own imaginary world. This kind of denial is unhealthy and needs to be carefully worked through.

• Self-destructive behaviour. Some people engage in self-destructive behaviour, such as drug abuse, alcohol, self-harm, or unsafe sex to cope with the loss of a loved one.

• Extreme anxiety. It is normal to experience some anxiety after the death of a loved one, however, if the anxiety is prolonged or significantly impacts your daily functioning, it could be a sign of complicated grief. An example would be an extreme fear of being sick that is not alleviated even after having numerous medical tests come out normal.

• Problems functioning in daily life. Right after a loss, you might have difficulty keeping up with housework, taking care of the kids or going to work. That is normal and usually alleviated with the help of a good support system. However, sometimes, these problems persist and you cannot get your life back in order.

CAN COUNSELLING THERAPY HELP?

Yes.

I have spent over twenty years working with people of all ages through their losses and I have seen time and time again the positive difference that counselling can bring.

Grief is something that should be shared. It’s true it’s a journey, but one which is so much more bearable and understandable with someone walking alongside, helping you to look up at the most difficult moments.  

Grief and loss are highly charged emotions. Counselling gives you the opportunity to be able to work through these emotions in a safe environment .  Together we can process your loss, building on what is left in a way that gradually gives more positive meaning to where you are today.